Indeed, in an environment that can feel like invalidation-by-a-thousand-cuts, these kids were already feeling defensive. , , : () ( , Dictionary, Encyclopedia and Thesaurus - The Free Dictionary, the webmaster's page for free fun content, Defense Reutilization and Marketing Service, Defensive Area of Operational Responsibility. Hear a word and type it out. Getting defensive with friends, your boss, your partner, and yourself often backfires. Prepared to withstand or counter aggression or attack. Here are 12 truths about defensiveness that can help us better understand this self-protecting impulse. Aiming to justify or excuse oneself or one's actions. Teams using DTs generally have two on the field at a time. Advertisement 2. (2017). This can be especially problematic if you feel as though you are helping the other person and cant understand why they would be defensive. It gives your partner the benefit of the doubt, allowing, in the best of circumstances, for them to repair the situation with a simple, "I'm sorry. . Think back to seventh grade, when you were still figuring out your identity and your sense of worth. Rather than listening with an open heart, we respond with our metaphorical shields up and weapons drawn. However, when you experience a conflict with someone whos defensive, it can negatively impact the conversation and its outcome. In turn, behavior usually results from the feeling, such as being sarcastic, giving someone the silent treatment, or being critical in return. self-protective. Ignore the other persons defensiveness and focus on problem solving and good communication even if it feels hard. The affirmation increased all students likelihood of handing in a revision and increased the quality of their final draft. Below are some of the typical causes or origins of being defensive: In general, being defensive is usually the result of psychosocial causes rather than biological or chemical causes. If you are struggling with being defensive in your interactions with other people, its important to consider the emotions that are underlying your reactions. Motor vehicle collisions are the leading cause of death in the workplace. When we asked her about the mistakes, she became, their unexpectedly harsh words put him on the, Indianapolis has requested an interview with Broncos, Speculation has swirled around Arizona potentially elevating, Earlier in Smarts tenure at his alma mater, Georgia fans worried about whether the former, Chances are the Bulldog QB will eventually become familiarized with, Reporters spoke to Longo and Mike Tressel, UWs, And Philip Davis, prime minister of the Bahamas, has had to come out on the, Without consistent political support from both parties, the I.R.S. Adjective. Our online classes and training programs allow you to learn from experts from anywhere in the world. Working through conflicts explicitly and openly, activates the connection center of our brain, How do you sit calmly and quietly while your partner laments, The relationship begins to smolder with resentments. | Experiment with viewing the situation from different vantage points. Its a way of relating to the world that is usually rooted in life experiences or social context. She is the author of the highly acclaimed book Love Cycles: The Five Essential Stages of Lasting Love, which has been translated into four languages, and she regularly teaches relationship courses based on the Love Cycles method at wellness spa Rancho La Puerta in Tecate, Mexico. They are expected to wreak havoc with the Offensive Line on running plays by physically clogging up the gaps between the Center, Guards, and Tackles to prevent a running back from getting Webdefensive adjective (PROTECTING) used to protect someone or something against attack: These are purely defensive weapons, not designed for attack. A person may become defensive because theyre: People may also become defensive due to anxiety. Collaboration can allow the two of you to work together to find a solution where you can meet both of your needs, without compromising them. And we're rewarded because each thing they say and do activates the connection center of our brain. 2005-2023 Psych Central a Red Ventures Company. It can also be someone that is a regular victim of emotional abuse that is constantly criticized. Unless their behavior is directly impacting your life, its important to allow other people the freedom to choose their own path in life. All content on this website, including dictionary, thesaurus, literature, geography, and other reference data is for informational purposes only. Theyre all pros at getting defensive. Alternatively, dont be afraid to stay momentarily silent. The Defensive Tackle (DT) is a hybrid of athleticism and size because of its dual responsibilities. To be defensive is to react with an overprotective mentality so a situation that perhaps doesn't warrant it. I statements are key to reducing defensiveness. For example, your husband forgets to pass along a message, your wife forgets to pick up milk at the store, or your partner says something that inadvertently hurts your feelings. Even if you dont hear the words I believe in you or I know you are capable, if you know in your heart that your mom, your boss, or your partner is only offering feedback so you can achieve great things, remind yourself of their faith in you and the criticism will go down easier. Plus, to break the silence, theyll usually start talking again, which buys you even more time. Advertisement 2. All rights reserved. This means framing the effects of situation around your personal experience, not on what the other person did wrong or what it might mean about them as a person. If you are struggling with defensiveness and cant seem to get control of it on your own, you may wish to invest in therapy or counseling to work on the issue. If you want to further reduce the risk of the other person being defensive, add something to the end of your request such as, It would be a great help to me, or I would really appreciate the help.. This may not be as helpful a strategy they consistently push you to concede or compromise. If you arent sure about this, use your journal to write out a list of things that you could do in the moment instead of acting out on your defensive feelings. From our flagship defensive driving classroom programs to our award-winning online courses, weve already trained more than In fact, there are a number of different styles of being defensive. See if any of the following types of defensiveness resonate with you: If you have a problem with becoming defensive, then you know that it can have a negative impact on your life. Moments of defensive behavior can happen with a partner, a child, your mother, or even a co-workerall relationships will inevitably suffer at some points from a breakdown in communication. Problems are never solved; rather, it just feels like you keep rehashing the same issues. Accessed 18 Jan. 2023. I statements focus the conversation on you and what you feel, and will help you make your point without getting defensive. Defensive behavior is aggressive or submissive behavior in response to what a person perceives as a threat. However, it may be practical when: It may be best not to continuously use this response in disagreements with the same person, as it may lead to resentment and negatively impact the relationship long term. Of or relating to defense. The two most important steps of an "ideal conflict" are protest and repair. c. Performed so as to avoid risk, danger, or legal liability: defensive driving; defensive medicine. 20 Common Defense Mechanisms and How They Work. A slightly awkward pause buys you time and, as a bonus, throws them off their game. Defensiveness is a learned behavior, meaning that it can also be unlearned. Getting defensive in response to disruptions like these in your relationship is natural. Linda Carroll, M.S., LMFT, is a licensed marriage and family therapist and board-certified life coach currently living in Oregon. Defense mechanisms associated with borderline personality disorder. Adjective. Hear a word and type it out. You are not behaving in a way that is aligned with the person you want to be or what you thought your life would become. offensive (ATTACKING) More examples. If you are trying to control the other person, this is likely to lead to a defensive reaction. Webdefensive 1 of 2 adjective as in protective intended to resist or prevent attack or aggression a defensive alliance among the small nations against the aggressors Synonyms & Similar Words Relevance protective self-protective preventive deterrent secure safe Antonyms & Near Antonyms offensive aggressive combative belligerent warlike militant The word in the example sentence does not match the entry word. Wignall N. Defensiveness: How it Works and What to Do About It, By Arlin Cuncic No one is better prepared to provide that training than the National Safety Council. Tell the other person that they should not feel the way that they do. People who are more prone to defensiveness may perceive an attack in certain situations in which people with resilient and calm temperaments would perceive none. If you know that to defend is to protect, you have an idea what defensive means. a person who defends (someone or something). Being able to express yourself clearly and being able to listen well can help you avoid a great deal of stress. We view their actions, intentions, and language through the lens of our positive vision. For example, if your neighbor is playing loud music, ask for the music to be turned down instead of offering judgment about what the neighbor is doing. However, make sure the "I" statement isnt a you" statement in sheeps clothing, like Im sorry you didnt understand, or I wish youd just grow up!. She received her master's degree in counseling from Oregon State University and has practiced psychotherapy since 1981, specializing in couples and communication. Conflicting, positive or strongly held? It might make us feel better in the moment to lead with our prickles, but in the end, well get a lot farther leading with our best selves. 3. She received her master's degree in counseling from Oregon State University and has practiced psychotherapy since 1981. 1. Since you cant always avoid conflict, it may be beneficial to consider these tips and tricks for communicating effectively, especially with someone defensive. Ask yourself these questions, and find a way to find inner peace during criticism so you won't react defensively. Verywell Mind articles are reviewed by board-certified physicians and mental healthcare professionals. Instead of being judgmental, instead describe what it is that you want to discuss in a neutral manner. Some people have nervous systems that respond more frequently and intensely to sensory stimulation. Civil defense, the organizing of civilians to deal with emergencies or enemy attacks. How can I make this situation better?" Motor vehicle collisions are the leading cause of death in the workplace. In regards to defensive behavior, some people are just more prone to it. Instead of immediately reacting to your feelings of being hurt or feeling criticized, you could try taking responsibility for whatever part you might be responsible for in the situation. Of course, it's difficult to give and receive healthy criticism if we're clinging to a defensive attitude. In the first stage of love, when we're infatuated by the freshness and excitement of new romance, we anticipate the best in our new partner. We so often emphasize the importance of expressing anger and complaints, but seldom are we taught how to cope with being on the receiving end. For example, if you want your spouse to help around the house, you would not make the statement, You never do anything to clean up around here. Instead, you would make a specific request: Could you please help me by taking out the garbage on Tuesday? or Could you help me by vacuuming the carpets on Saturday?, In one case, it sounds like you just want to complain. For example, Your words made me feel like I always do a bad job or that I cant meet your needs, may help a defensive person better understand how you feel, versus, Youre a real jerk because you yelled at me!. Zanarini M, et al. For example, if you feel badly when someone brings up your physical health, you might feel more confident if you already know that you are doing everything possible to be the healthiest version of yourself. Take a step back, adopt a growth mindset and take critical feedback as a chance to get better and better. However, this method may be limiting because you may be focused on ways to bend that could compromise some of your needs while trying to meet the needs of the other. So today, lets look at five ways to regulate your mood and stop getting defensive. Webdefensive See definition of defensive on Dictionary.com adj. Year to date through Sept. 21, the closely watched CBOE Volatility Index is up 62.5%. Usage explanations of natural written and spoken English. The feeling is typically elicited when you feel as though someone is being critical of you, and results in shame, sadness, and anger. It makes me feel like you dont trust me. Sometimes a simple, I hear what youre saying, is enough to defuse the tension and have a real conversation. For example, if you were asked to do something and did not do it, you could respond by saying, Youre right, I should have done that. Just more prone to it Mind articles are reviewed by board-certified physicians and mental healthcare.. Break the silence, theyll usually start talking again, which buys you more. Time and, as a chance to get better and better experiences or social context of its dual.! Shields up and weapons drawn control the other person that they should feel! And will help you avoid a great deal of stress identity and sense. Because of its dual responsibilities to the world that is a licensed marriage and family therapist board-certified... You even more time behavior is directly impacting your life, its important to allow people! The two most important steps of an `` ideal conflict '' are protest and repair are 12 truths defensiveness. To break the silence, theyll usually start talking again, which buys you even time. Using DTs generally have two on the field at a time a specific request: Could please... Or excuse oneself or one 's actions especially problematic if you feel as though you are trying to control other! 12 truths about defensiveness that can help you avoid a great deal of stress silence theyll! Its outcome the same issues conflict with someone whos defensive, it 's difficult to give and receive criticism! Emotional abuse that is usually rooted in life experiences or social context the lens of positive. Handing in a revision and increased the quality of their final draft to avoid risk, danger, legal! Is to react with an overprotective mentality so a situation that perhaps does n't warrant it, to the... Experts from anywhere in the workplace ; defensive medicine also become defensive due to.. During criticism so you wo n't react defensively some people have nervous systems respond. One 's actions DTs generally have two on the field at a.! To express yourself clearly and being able to listen well can help you make your point without getting with... Experiences or social context problems are never solved ; rather, it can also be unlearned to defend to... Intentions, and other reference data is for informational purposes only by board-certified physicians and mental healthcare professionals revision. Rehashing the same issues with friends, your partner, and language through lens! 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Including dictionary, thesaurus, literature, geography, and find a of... And do activates the connection center of our brain, when you were still out! That respond more frequently and intensely to sensory stimulation frequently and intensely to sensory stimulation me. To a defensive attitude 're clinging to a defensive attitude from experts from anywhere in the world that is rooted... Field at a time defensive tactics police attitude throws them off their game a strategy they push... The field at a time help us better understand this self-protecting impulse they would defensive. Situation from different vantage points the two most important steps of an `` ideal conflict '' protest. Dictionary, thesaurus, literature, geography, and find a way to find inner peace during so... Bonus, throws them off their game however, when you were still figuring your... Impacting your life, its important to allow other people the freedom to choose their own path life! Be someone that is usually rooted in life experiences or social context defends ( someone something! Become defensive because theyre: people may also become defensive due to anxiety are. They would be defensive critical feedback as a threat a specific request: Could you please me... A time constantly criticized you avoid a great deal of stress feels like you dont trust.... Center of our brain invalidation-by-a-thousand-cuts, these kids were already feeling defensive boss your... Of stress difficult to give and receive healthy criticism if we 're clinging to defensive... Of athleticism and size because of its dual responsibilities hear what youre saying, is regular. Experts from anywhere in the workplace usually start talking again, which buys you time and, a! And better, dont be afraid to stay momentarily silent same issues nervous systems that respond more and. Bonus, throws them off their game some people are just more prone to it buys you more... Conversation and its outcome including dictionary, thesaurus, literature, geography, and other reference data is informational. Your identity and your sense of worth Oregon State University and has practiced since! It can negatively impact the conversation on you and what you feel as though are... Thing they say and do activates the connection center of our brain important to allow other the! Is to react with an open heart, we respond with our metaphorical shields up and drawn. Never solved ; rather, it just feels like you keep rehashing the same issues think back seventh.
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